kinda personal but i just need to ramble for a moment.... ive been dxed with a couple mental illness labels which are things that were always solid and expected bc theyre trauma related but ive recently come to the confirmation of two other disorders which, theyve always been a thing, have certainly pulled together sooooo much more about my life- ocd and ocpd. in a good way i can be totally aware on What it is and will now get a specialist for it and thats good. but its really a different kinda hell to process bc not only has it really been detrimental to my functioning outside of trauma/dissociation that i didnt realize, but its a disorder that really gets the wrong kinda impression by most people. media has completely ruin "what" it is. you know how casually people say "wow im so ocd for being organized lol!!" and stuff like that.
so im sitting here trying to process all of how its affected me up tot his point...bc it messes with a lot, be it my sense of reality or my presentation towards others, and i dont want to be a person who fucks up all kinds of relationships bc i dont know how to deal with it. its something i see happening, get mad about, but no matter what i cannot stop that thought of "i am doing this for the right reason" and do it. the therapy part is hard, because its a new thing all over again, and its overwhelming to know im in another phase of recovery alongside my trauma work.
but im trying to find the small things to help ya know. like i need hobbies, i need to keep myself busy but not with "work". i get too caught up in my time being wasted bc of this kinda mindset, call me a "workaholic" thats the ocpd for you lol. i look forward to setting myself a schedule in which i dedicate time to "not work" things. i need some damn breathing space bc i basically soffocate myself in work every day.... so even tho this shit is hard part of me is looking forward to that moment where i start to learn things that make it all feel a little better at least.