wew. things have been kinda crazy but in a good way. im taking a step to move out of my house (which i have lived in my whole life, with my dad and bro) which i only really delayed on so much (no matter how much i wanted to move) because of my mental health. in 2018-2019 i was still have a really hard time mentally even with the therapists i was seeing. but early 2020 i finally found a therapist who has helped me in ways i never expected. it feel good, and strange, to look back and think "wow, i really have gotten better."
if there is any one way i can define this change its confidence. before i was really stuck in my trauma. i was angry with everyone around me, i hated having to deal with them everyday, but i was alos terrifed of everything on the outside because i feared it would just repeat and repeat forever. cptsd but me on defense mode in a way that isolated me from making real progress. i hated living at home because of that-- and my negative opinions on my family still stands even after my mindset changing on How to think of them lol. but coming to push their issues away in order to accept it wont change and its not my job to change them has given me peace in where i am right now, but also the confidence to face whatever the world will be like. i need to move, for me, for my health, for my independence.
ive been doing therapy since my mom died at 16 bc i couldnt do it with her grasp on me, and even by the time i was 20 i still was jumping around looking for the kind of healing that worked for me. ive found it, and after almost 3 years of that, its just insane to me to think "i got better" no matter how much more work i have to do. 20 year old me would have never thought it