Need Feedback on my English Translation of Ken'Okan

[Scarlet Illusion]

Oh, well look at me making an unusual post in the WIP section, haha!

I did a translation of the song Ken'okan by Minatsuki Toka and would like some feedback/a second opinion on my translation as I plan to ask for permission from Mr. Minatsuki to be able to upload a subtitled version of the video, but I don't want to upload something with an incorrect translation.

Just to clarify, I am only looking for a second opinion on my translation. Nothing is finalized so I'll go back and edit if there are mistakes or if there's anything that needs to be changed. Just point'em out and I'll fix them in my document!

There were only a couple lines I was confused about, but I'm very confident in everything else.

Here's my translation
Copy of Ken'okan Engish lyrics

(And I plan to try translating another song after this one, so if anyone has any pointers on translating Japanese please let me know!)

 

[uncreepy]

I made a doc with notes on it: Uncreepy: Ken'okan Engish lyrics

These are just how I would do it, you don't have to follow my suggestions.

One thing I noticed is that the punctuation is not consistent between ENG and JP, try to preserve it as much as possible.

Also, it is generally not good to have a translator's note in the place of a lyric (unless it's on a Wiki or website that teaches you Japanese with lyrics as an example), you have to commit to something for "normal viewers". In difficult cases, think of it as localization (something that makes sense/is basically an equivalent that requires no explanation for the culture you are translating it for).

For getting faster/easier to translate, it just takes a lot of practice, honestly. The more you do it, the quicker translating a song will take as your knowledge of Japanese increases.

 

[Scarlet Illusion]

Ahhh! Thank you so much, Uncreepy! I really appreciate that you left notes as well explaining what each bit means (it’ll be a great reference for the next time I translate something)! And the fact that you took the time to clean things up and make them less literal is extremely appreciated! (I did really struggle with maintaining the “personality” of the lyrics!)

Thanks for taking the time to check it out and help me even though my formatting was messy, lol! I really appreciate your tips/advice, too!

Would it be alright to use the edited translation you did? I know I mentioned already that I planned to use the translation in a subtitle video if I could permission from the producer of the song, but since you put in so much extra effort into the corrections I wanna make sure you’d be cool with it. (I could put your name in the video and description and then link to your Twitter, too. Whatever would be proper credit!)

Once again, thanks so much for helping me out with it!!! I really can’t express how appreciative I am!

 

[uncreepy]

You can use the edited version in any way you want, I don't mind. I think you did most of the work, really (finding the lyrics and doing the first wave of translation). I don't really think I need credit cause it didn't take that long to help out. But if you really, really want to, though, just mentioning "uncreepy" is good enough for me.

 

[Scarlet Illusion]

I think I should give you some kind of credit because you really helped me a lot so I’ll make sure to mention you somewhere!