I've been exploring and paying closer attention to my identity of late, and I'm getting stuff figured out! There's days where I want to present as masculine or feminine, but when I don't feel a strong urge either way, I just feel kinda... weird. Like, I'm a man and a woman. If I want to present feminine, easy! If I don't wanna present either way, well, guess I'm presenting feminine by default. If I want to present masculine, too fucking bad, because wearing a binder and a packer and spending half an hour on convincing facial hair and giving the cashier at Wendy's the name Donavan still gets me called ma'am.
And then the fries are cold and the Frosty is half-melted and I suffer through it anyway because if I make any other comments I'll be an asshole.
I feel like I
shouldn't be uncomfortable, because, well, I
am a woman. But I don't ever feel like I'm more one than the other, they coexist. Only being half-acknowledged just gives me a weird feeling in my stomach. But what do I do? I don't like going by they/them, but I can't just ask people to alternate masculine and feminine nouns/pronouns for me, that's a hell of a lot more awkward than going by they/them. I get this happy feeling when I'm called masculine words, but I don't want to be called them exclusively. Call me sir! Call me handsome! Call me he and him and guy and dude! But call me the feminine equivalents just as often! I'm not sure how to convey that in a manner that's, well, convenient for anyone else.