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  • Someone beat me up until I sit down and start recording my Utau bank. If I can put one hour a day into it, or even half an hour, I could have it done in no time, but I am Very Lazy™
    I'm in a place where I'm ready to start tackling my issues, I think, so I've been doing some research. The term PTSD has been thrown out, specifically CPTSD, since the bulk of the trauma I've faced was spread out over the course of a few years rather than a single event. I can't help but feel CPTSD is just "PTSD Lite" or "PTSD for people who don't actually have PTSD but want a cool label", and I know I'd never think that if it was a diagnosis applied to anyone but myself. I'd absolutely honor it as something real, but when it's me?

    Apparently intense imposter syndrome is common in CPTSD. Hmm... I wanna look more into this.
    if you ever wanna talk im all ears tbh (feel free to pm and i can send you my discord or something!). ive been in some actually, working recovery for the last year and its kinda crazy to know i am making improvements after all this time. i completely understand where youre coming from, its a thing you dont realize youre dealing with and then it hits you, and invalidation of yourself is the easiest thing to jump to instead of straight up accepting youd been hurt, and you can change, and you can grow from the troubles youre facing. but i hope knowing now what it is, even in all the struggles of facing it, you can get the right help!
    Blue Of Mind
    Blue Of Mind
    I don't have a formal PTSD diagnosis, but I suspect I do have it because I just don't react to conversations regarding things like school normally. (One time, I walked out of a family meal at a restaurant because my brother tried talking about an old primary school teacher I didn't like.) PTSD is also distressingly common on the autism spectrum, not only because of the higher likelihood of bullying and abuse autistic people experience, but also because some displays of PTSD symptoms in autistics can be overlooked.

    I used to think PTSD was a diagnosis only available for people who were clearly traumatised by something (I.e. soldiers, child abuse victims, victims of terrorist attacks, natural disasters, etc.), until I discovered complex PTSD and the generally high rates of PTSD among autistic people. Unfortunately, my mum thinks that because I've been out of school for nearly ten years and I'm doing doing well at uni now, I don't need to look into getting a professional evaluation on it, even though she knows I still get ridiculously angry about my childhood. :rolleyes: You're in a way better position than me to get a diagnosis, so I would definitely enquire about PTSD.
    That’s true! My autism means it’s always been more difficult to make sense of the world around me, making my response to trauma and similar situations even more uncertain. And I know for a fact my brain has blocked certain memories; in the 9th grade SOMETHING happened with my then-stepfather, and all I can remember is him being a little stern; a few days later I was in a psych ward and my mom absolutely blamed him, and it’s clear from the way she discusses certain events even now that he said or did things to or around me that my brain won’t let me remember. On top of that, I’m very forgetful in general, and that problem with memory is a common defense mechanism and side effect of CPTSD from the reading I’ve done.

    I’m just happy to finally, hopefully, have a name to put with the problems. Today at work I got overwhelmed because we had several jobs and one of the printers went out, and before absolutely blowing up I was able to say “Okay, you were fine a minute ago. You’re having trouble regulating your frustration and it’s manifesting as rage. That’s common with CPTSD.” And it didn’t make me instantly feel better, but it helped me take a step back and realize what I REALLY needed was a work-around until I could figure out what was wrong with the printer, rather than just beat the shit out of said printer and cry and wish I was dead.

    Dramatic as that sounds… I just hope I’m not misdiagnosing myself. That would be humiliating.
    "I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound pissed. It's just that I'm pissed."

    -Patuk, 2021
    My 3rd eye has opened and I realized I don't need my vocal synth collection, I'm selling my vocal synths and from now on only using Nanao cuz he's the best. Who wants which vb/s?
    I've spent the past three hours watching ILoveLanguages!' videos. Y'all, I just... I love Slavic languages so much. You hear people calling them ugly-sounding and harsh, but they're beautiful, and they're just so lovely to listen to. Will someone please join me in fawning over them? They don't deserve the negative reputation they have.

    I am in no way biased by the fact that I have a Slavic girlfriend, of course. Slovak being my favorite in particular while she herself is Slovak is purely coincidence.
    So apparently, according to their anime, Matcha and Azuki are... more or less actually in love? I still have yet to watch it (I plan to watch it through tonight), but evidently the gist of the last half is:

    Matcha and Azuki: *do literally anything*

    Anyone watching them: "That's Really Fucking Gay™"

    I stan my canon gals so much and I'm gonna make a poster for them because they deserve it.
    Box art box art box art~

    These are temporary mock-ups; as you can tell by the back of Matcha's box, I encountered some issues while working with them today. Our Print shop uses an older version of Publisher that doesn't support non-Latin script, so a lot of the text got either reformatted, ruined, or just straight-up erased. So I just focused on getting the sizing right, and tonight's project is re-formatting them appropriately and saving the PDFs so I can print out the true products (hopefully) tomorrow!

    Mirai, my sweet child. I don't care how much people mock you. I love you and will always love you. 🥺

    I'm contemplating covering Nun Girl and Idol Girl with her to really push how far I can take her voice, and Akari I'm wanting to put in the harmonies of a Matcha cover I've had in the works for a while. Hmm... what else can I do with these lovely ladies?
    Phew... with the Fukase cover done and published (please go support it if you liked it! Comments on my video keep me going for days at a time :clara_ani_lili:), I'm at a loss on what to do now. I've got several projects I've been working on, but that's been THE definitive "Hurry up and get it done, it needs to be finished", and now that it IS finished... hmm. What now?
    I got a new spray to help get rid of gnats, and I got excited and sprayed it literally everywhere when I got home. Now my entire apartment is overwhelmed with the smell of lemongrass oil. Not a bad scent in moderation, but when you have two cats and autism-related hyperosmia? Euagh. I've got my air purifier on high and the window open (even though it is WAY too hot for that), so this spray had better work for all the trouble it's put me through.

    Anyway, new cover going up in half an hour or so!
    You ever see a video that brings you great joy, then you forget about it for a while, and then when you rediscover it again it brings you just as much joy as the first time? That's this video for me.

    Now that my head trauma is significantly less debilitating (read: I took a shit-ton of medications and a nap), I decided to welcome Akari to my computer! And along with her, who's that lovely lady~?

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